This
story was supposed to go in 'Stories to eat with a Blood Plum', but it wasn't
good enough, so I threw it out - except I didn't throw it very far, just into
my 'not used' folder.
But
if anyone wants to read a not really very good Phredde story before I throw it
out for good, here it is. But remember - this is a LOUSY Phredde story. The
ones in the books are MUCH better and the one coming out this year is the
funniest of all, especially the dinosaur with… nah, will leave that till
it comes out.
But
anyway, here's Phredde again... the story that will never be published.
Phredde and the Mouldy Monster
The
pirate ship shuddered as the giant squid tried to climb aboard.
'Yo
ho ho and a bottle of ginger ale,' yelled the Captain valiantly as he tried to
trim the sail so we could escape.
'Er,
Phredde,' I said.
'Shhh...
' said Phredde, perched on the rail beside me. Her eyes were shining. 'Listen!'
I
listened. All I could hear was the
shush of the waves against the ship's hull and the squark of the seagulls up
above.
The
ship shuddered. I could just
imagine the giant squid below us, wrapping its tentacles more securely around
the ship.
Splatt!
I glanced across the deck. One
giant tentacle flapped for a moment, then its suckers made its grip secure.
Splatt!
Splatt! Splatt! Three more
tentacles gripped the deck....
'Er,
Phredde... ' I said.
'As
soon as that squid gets hold of us properly it's going to crush the whole
ship!' announced Phredde gleefully.
The
boards creaked below us. It looked
like that giant squid was going to get its crunching grip together any moment.
'Er,
Phredde,' I said.
'Isn't
this exciting?' exclaimed Phredde.
'No,'
I said.
Phredde
stared at me. 'Why not?' she
demanded, as a giant rubbery tentacle inched its way towards us.
'Because
all you have to do is PING! and we'll be safe again. I mean it's not exciting if we KNOW it's all going to end
with us escaping in time to get back home for dinner.'
Phredde
crossed her arms and glared at me.
'Well, I'm doing the best I can,' she muttered. The massive tentacle groped blindly for
a moment, then seemed to sense us.
It wriggled even closer towards us.
'Yes,
I know but... '
'Well,
YOU try to think up adventures for us!
It's not all that simple!'
'Yes,
I know,' I said soothingly. 'I
didn't mean you weren't doing a good job.'
'It's
just you think this is a boring adventure,' snorted Phredde. The giant tentacle
hovered in front of me for a moment, then lashed across my body.
'Ow!'
I said, 'That hurt!'
'It's
not easy, thinking up giant squid and stuff like that,' went on Phredde.
'Er,
Phredde,' I said. The tentacle
began to slowly lift me off the ship.
'I
mean if you'd just SAID that getting captured by a giant squid bored you ... '
'Um,
Phredde,' I yelled, as the tentacle lifted me across the ship.
'It's
not my fault if... '
'Phredde!'
I shrieked as the giant squid surged out of the water. Its mouth loomed above me wetly. 'Phredde, if you wouldn't mind
concentrating for a moment... '
'What?'
said Phredde. 'Oh.'
There
was a faint PING! all around me and suddenly I was back on deck. There was no sign of the giant squid.
'Thanks,'
I said, rubbing at the sucker mark on my arm. 'I think.'
'No
worries,' said Phredde flatly. She gazed around the ship. 'Now what?'
'I
don't know,' I said.
Phredde
fluttered her wings impatiently.
'Well, do you want an adventure this afternoon or what?'
'Of
course I want an adventure.' I said.
'We have an adventure every Sunday afternoon. It's just,' I shrugged. 'I don't know... being crushed by giant squid and chased by
ogres... they all get sort of boring after a while. I feel like a REAL adventure.'
'Well
what sort of adventure?' insisted Phredde.
'Something
really scary, something we wouldn't know that we were going to survive till
afterwards.'
'Well,
what's the scariest thing you can think of?' demanded Phredde.
I
leant back against the rail of the ship. Up above me the Pirate Captain perched
up at the top of the mast amongst the rigging, keeping a lookout for giant squid
or white whales or the sort of desert islands that have treasure buried on
them. The sound of his 'Yo ho ho
and a bottle of ginger ale' floated happily off with the wind.
'The
scariest thing I can remember was this story Mum read me once when I was a little
kid,' I said slowly.
'What
was so scary about it?' asked Phredde.
'Well,
it's funny. No one got their head blown up or even their bodies invaded by
aliens. It was just... scary.'
'Well,
go on, what was it about?' demanded Phredde impatiently.
I
tried to remember. 'There were
these people on an old time sailing ship ... '
'Just
like us!' said Phredde.
I
nodded. 'Yeah, except I don't
think they were pirates. And the fog came down all around them and the wind
dropped and because this was a sailing ship they couldn't go anywhere till the
wind filled the sails again. They
just had to sit there in this fog.'
'I
don't see what's so scary about that,' said Phredde, fluttering her wings
dismissively.
'Just
wait a bit will you? They were
sitting there in this cold grey fog when suddenly they heard lap, lap, lap,
like this other ship was coming closer... closer... closer. Not a big ship. Just the sound of oars
in a little dinghy.'
'Then
what happened?' asked Phredde.
'And
then this desperate voice came out of the fog "Hello!" and the
Captain answered it "Hello!"'
Phredde
banged her heels against the rail.
'It was too foggy for them to see who
was in the dinghy, so the Captain said, "Are you coming aboard?" And
this bloke's voice echoed out of the fog and said, "No" and then he
told the Captain this story.'
Phredde
sighed impatiently.
'Well,
it was scary when Mum told it to me,' I said defiantly. 'Anyway, this bloke in the dinghy said
he used to be a sailor too, on a ship just like that one, and that his ship had
been marooned in the fog too years and years before.
'And
they had waited and waited but the fog didn't lift and the wind didn't blow.
And finally their food ran out and they ate their boots and stuff like that,
then their water ran out and they had to abandon ship because you can't live
without water... '
Phredde
was looking a bit more interested now.
'So
they all got into the lifeboat and started to row through the fog and one by
one they all died of hunger and thirst, till there was just this one bloke
left.'
'Go
on ... ' urged Phredde.
'And
he was almost too weak to row. He
was almost about to give in when he looked down into the sea and there was a
branch. It was rotten and mouldy but it was still a branch, so he knew he must
be near land.
'So
with the last of his strength he kept on rowing. Finally he heard waves through the fog. The waves picked up the rowing boat and
dumped it on the sand and then he knew no more.'
Phredde
was really looking interested now, so I kept on going. 'When he woke up the fog had
lifted. He looked around. He was on an island. But a strange
island.
'The
sand was mouldy, the trees were mouldy - everything on the entire island was
covered in mould.
'"What
did you do then?" the Captain wanted to know.
'"I
was starving," the man said.
"So I ate the mould.
For twenty years that's all I've had to eat. Just mould. My hut has been mouldy, my bed has been
mouldy. All I could do was wait
and hope that rescue would come."
'"Finally
I could stand it no more. I leapt into the rowing boat and headed out across
the sea. And then the fog came
down again, and I heard your ship and here I am."'
'The
ship's Captain laughed.
"Well, at last you're safe!" he called. "At last you're rescued! Come aboard and as soon as the wind
rises again we'll take you home!"
'"I
can never go home now," said the man. And at that moment the fog rose... ' I paused.
'What
was it?' whispered Phredde.
'And
all that was in the rowing boat was a mound of mould.'
Phredde
was silent for a moment. 'Yuck,'
she said at last.
'I
suppose it's possible,' I said.
'If all you'd had to eat for twenty years was mould, I suppose you might
go mouldy too. Mum says mould spreads like anything. She gets this really
strong stuff from the supermarket to zap the stuff in our bathroom.'
'Mum
just PINGS! ours,' said Phredde absently.
'Hey Pru?'
'Mmmm?'
'What
do you suppose happened next in that story?'
I
stared. 'I don't know. That's where it ended.'
'But
if the second ship was becalmed maybe they had to go to the mouldy island
too. Maybe everyone on the boat
turned into heaps of mould... '
'Erk,'
I said. A shudder ran down my
back.
'Come
on,' I said. 'Let's go home. I
don't think I want an adventure today.'
'Um...
' said Phredde.
'What's
wrong?'
Phredde
pointed upwards.
A
long, low, grey cloud was descending like someone had dropped it from the
sky. Lower, lower, lower it came,
till suddenly it was all around us...
'Fog,'
said Phredde hollowly.
I
shivered. 'I don't like this,' I
said. 'Come on. PING! us
home.'
Phredde
nodded. There was a PING! all
around us.
I
breathed a sigh of relief. 'Thank
goodness... ' I hesitated, then looked around. Something wasn't quite right.
'Er, Phredde?'
'Yes?'
said Phredde. There was something in the tone of her voice that worried me.
'You
did PING! us home didn't you?'
'Yes,'
said Phredde.
'But...
but the fog's still here.'
'I
know,' said Phredde, even more hollowly.
'Um...
maybe it's just foggy everywhere,' I suggested hopefully. 'And our castle is
right up there in the fog and all we have to do is get in the dinghy and row to
shore and then we'll be home... '
'I
don't think so,' said Phredde. There was a tremble in her voice now that I
didn't like.
'Er…
why not?' I asked.
'I
don't think my PING! worked,' said Phredde. 'I think we're still out at sea!'
'Well
try it again!' I ordered shakily.
PING!
I
looked around. Still fog. Still grey.
PING!
PING! PING! Phredde's eyes were shut. She was really concentrating now.
'How's
that?' asked Phredde hopefully, opening her eyes.
'Still
fog,' I told her.
'Oh,' said Phredde, and that was all she
said.
'How
about you PING! your mother?' I suggested desperately. 'Maybe she could PING! us home.'
Phredde
shook her head. 'If I can't PING!
us home I can't PING! Mum either,' she said. 'Either a PING! works or it doesn't!'
'But
PING!s always work!'
'Not
always,' said Phredde. 'They don't work in Phaeryland, or if you're in someone
else's magic or if... '
'Or
if what?' I demanded.
'Or
if we're inside a story... ' whispered Phredde.
'But...
but... I don't understand.' I stammered.
'You/How could we be inside a story?'
Phredde's
eyes were very wide. 'I think I
did it accidentally,' she whispered.
'I was trying to think of an adventure for us and you were telling me
that story. I think I must have
PING!ed unconsciously.'
'So
now we're in the story!'
Phredde
nodded.
'The
scary one Mum told me about the fog and the mould!'
Phredde
nodded again.
'Well,
how do we get out of it?' I yelled.
'We
have to wait till the story ends.'
'Oh,
that's just great,' I muttered.
'What if it ends with us turning into mouldy blobs on a desert island
too? You mean your PING! won't
work at all?'
'Well,
it might work on some things,' said Phredde cautiously. She shut her eyes again. There was
faint PING! just above my right ear, and suddenly I was holding a mug of hot
chocolate.
'There
you are!' said Phredde triumphantly.
'Oh
great,' I said. 'If we get
attacked by a giant squid again you can just PING! us up some hot chocolate.'
Phredde
shook her head. 'I think I could
PING! away a giant squid. I just don't think I can PING! us out of the story.'
'Oh,'
I said. I looked around. The grey was awfully thick now. You could smell it
too, sort of wet and cold and dingy and very, very still.
'Phredde?'
'Mmmm?'
'Could
you PING! me up a jumper?'
"Good
thinking,' said Phredde. Suddenly we were both wearing them - good, thick, raw
wool jumpers, a tiny phaery sized one for her and a super economy girl size one
for me.
'Well,
at least we're warm now,' I said hopefully. 'Hey, maybe you didn't PING! us right into the story. Maybe you only PING!ed us into the bit
where the fog comes down. Maybe
the wind rises in a minute and the fog will blow away and we'll sail home and be
back in time for dinner and... '
'Shhhhh!'
said Phredde.
I
shhhhhed. Then I heard it...
Lap,
lap, lap, lap...
'It's
just the waves slapping against the boat,' I whispered.
'No,
it's not,' whispered Phredde.
Lap,
lap, lap, lap...
'Maybe
someone's stirring a cup of coffee,' I whispered.
Phredde
shook her head again.
Lap,
lap, lap, lap... And suddenly I
heard it too, the swish of oars as well.
Swish,
swish, swish, swish...
'Maybe
it's just the giant squid come back to attack us!' I said hopefully.
Swish,
swish, swish, swish...
'Giant
squid's don't go swish. It's a rowing boat!' whispered Phredde.
'Maybe,
maybe it's just someone out fishing.
Maybe... '
'Hello!'
called a voice in the fog.
'Hello!'
No
one answered.
'Why
doesn't the Captain say something?' I whispered.
Phredde
shook her head. 'It's our
adventure,' she whispered back.
'He's only a pretend captain, remember?'
Right.
Great. Here we were stuck in the fog on a becalmed pirate ship with a captain
who could only say 'Yo ho ho and a bottle of ginger ale' and probably wouldn't
even say that. It was up to us.
'Hello!
Can anyone hear me?' cried the
voice desperately.
'Maybe
if we don't say anything he'll go away,' said Phredde.
It
seemed like a good idea to me. Then my conscience sort of niggled me.
'He's
been by himself for twenty years,' I whispered guiltily. 'We're the first people he's spoken to
for twenty years and WE aren't even speaking to him!'
'Well
... ' said Phredde dubiously.
'Hello!'
cried the voice again.
'Hello!'
I yelled back, or tried to anyway. My voice was trembling so much it sounded
more like 'globble' than 'hello'.
'What
is the name of your ship?' called the voice.
'Er...
' I suddenly realised it mightn't be a good idea to tell him we were a pirate
ship. I mean, after all, there are
pirates and then there are pirates, and he might assume we were the nasty
sort. 'I'm Pru and this is
Phredde!' I yelled instead.
'Hi!'
yelled Phredde.
There
was a stunned silence. 'Women?' he
yelled.
'Well,
girls actually,' I confessed.
'Except Phredde's a phaery too.'
'A
fairy?' The voice in the fog sounded
angry now. 'This is no time for
joking!'
'Who's
joking buster?' yelled Phredde.
'And that's PHAERY, not fairy, got it?'
'But
that's impossible... ' began the voice.
'Fairies... I mean phaeries… are just... '
'Huh!
You're a fine one to talk about impossible!' shouted Phredde. 'At least I'm just a normal everyday
phaery, not a heap of mould.'
There
was a silence from the rowing boat below us. Then a stunned voice said, 'You know?'
'Yep,'
said Phredde. 'You've been
marooned on a mouldy old desert island for twenty years and now you're just a
heap of mould too and you can never go home again.'
'Er,
right,' said the voice.
Phredde
sighed. 'So now we'd better do
something about you.'
'Er...
what do you mean?' asked the voice. He sounded really stunned now.
'Get
rid of the mould,' said Phredde briskly.
'There has to be some way to do it. Come on, you'd better come aboard.'
'Er,
Phredde,' I whispered.
'What?'
'Are
you sure about this?'
'Well,
we can''t just leave him here in the fog, can we?' asked Phredde
practically. 'Anyway, we can't get
home again till the story's ended, and I don't want it to end with us on a
mouldy desert island too. I reckon getting him mould free again would be a
pretty good ending.'
'Er...
yes,' I agreed. 'But couldn't we
clean him up with him still/while he stays in the rowing boat?'
'Huh?'
demanded Phredde.
'Well,
Mum says mould is pretty contagious.
I mean there are spores that float everywhere and... '
It
was too late. There was a sudden plop! in the swirling grey fog below us and
then the sound of hands clasping the deck rail. Another plop! and then the
sound of two feet landing on the deck...
I
squinted into the fog, but it was too thick too see anything except the grey.
'Er,
you don't have to come any closer!' I called. The last thing I wanted to do was to come face to face with
a walking, breathing heap of mould.
'Right,'
said the voice at the other end of the deck a bit uncertainly. 'What do you want me to do then?'
'Just
stay there!' I yelled. 'Okay,' I
said to Phredde. 'See if you can
PING! him clean.'
Phredde
nodded. She scrunched her eyes up
just as a really loud PING! exploded over the deck.
'Wow,'
I said. 'That should do it.'
'I
gave it everything I had,' admitted Phredde. 'Hey,' she yelled down the deck. 'How are you?'
'Er...
very well, thank you,' said the voice. It sounded a bit surprised.
'No,
dimwit,' said Phredde. 'How's your
mould?'
'Er
... it's very well too, thank you for asking,' said the voice. It sounded even
more bewildered.
'You
mean it's still there?'
'Yes,'
said the voice. It was beginning to sound as though it thought we were both
crazy.
`Bother,'
said Phredde glumly. 'It looks
like the mould's a major part of the story. That means it won't respond to my PING!s.'
'Oh,'
I said, chewing my thumbnail (I only do that when I'm REALLY worried). 'Well, just stay there for a minute
will you!' I called down into the fog. 'There has to be another way to get him
mould free.' I muttered to Phredde.
'Give
him a shower?' suggested Phredde.
I
shook my head. 'If that was going
to work he'd only have had to go for a swim and he'd be clean again. And besides where do you find the best
moulds?'
'I
don't know,' said Phredde.
'In
the shower recess, that's where!
We have to find some way to kill the mould, not just wash it off.'
PING!
went Phredde. I looked up. 'I
thought you couldn't PING! it away?' I said.
'I
can't' said Phredde.
'Well,
what did you bother PING!ing for?' I added crossly.
Phredde
held up two more mugs of hot chocolate.
'I was hungry,' she said simply.
'Oh.
Well, thanks then,' I said, trying to be gracious about it, taking my mug from
her. I nodded down the deck. 'Could you PING! one up for him? I bet
it's been years since he had any hot chocolate.'
PING!
went Phredde. There was a sort of
choked gulp from the other end of the deck.
'Just
some hot chocolate to warm you up while we work on your problem!' yelled
Phredde.
'Er...
thank you!' said the voice. He
sounded like he was in shock.
'Don't
mention it!' said Phredde. She turned back to me and bit her lip. 'Right ' she said. 'What kills mould?'
'Er,
Phredde,' I said
'Mmmm?'
said Phredde, deep in thought.
'I
think we need to hurry.'
'Mmmm?'
said Phredde. 'Why? It's hours to
dinner time.'
'Because
of that,' I pointed.
Phredde
looked. 'Oh,' she said.
'Yeah,
oh.' I said.
'It's
spreading fast, isn't it?' aid Phredde, staring at the mould as it crept along
the deck.
'Yep.' I said.
'Er,
what do you think it'll do when it gets to us?' whispered Phredde.
'The
same as you think it'll do too,' I said.
'Cover
us all up?' whispered Phredde, even more softly.
'Yep,'
I said. 'I think we'd better think
HARD!'
'Well,
what does your Mum use on the mould in your bathroom?' demanded Phredde desperately.
'I
don't know... some sort of white squirty stuff in a long bottle. You buy it at
the supermarket. Hey, could you
PING! us to the supermarket?'
'If
I could PING! us to the supermarket I could PING! us home,' cried Phredde. 'Hey - how about I just try to PING! us
some of that anti-mould stuff?
Maybe that would work.'
'It's
worth a try,' I eyed the mould desperately. It was getting awfully close.
PING!
Suddenly Phredde's mug of hot chocolate was gone. In its place was a long wide can.
'It's
worked!' cried Phredde.
'Well,
sort of,' I said.
'Why?'
Phredde looked at the can. 'Oh,'
she said.
'Wrong
can,' I said. 'That's baked
beans. Can't you change it?'
'I'll
try.' Phredde shut her eyes again,
then opened them. 'Hey, have you
got any money?'
'What
for?'
'Well,
I can't just take stuff without paying for it!'
'Phredde,
of course I haven't got any money!' I yelled. 'Why would I take money out on a pirate ship?'
'Well,
I don't know,' said Phredde reasonably.
'I just thought I'd ask. It
doesn't matter anyway. I'll just
PING! some from my piggy bank at home and then....'
'Phredde
hurry!' I shrieked.
'Okay,
okay ... ' Phredde concentrated again.
PING!
I
grabbed at the tall white bottle desperately 'Dishwashing detergent!'
'One
more go!' cried Phredde. There was a final violent PING! and suddenly I was
holding...
'Wonderwhizz!'
I yelled, reading the label.
'Absolutely dissolves mould with just one whizz! Hold the nozzle outwards and press the
button.'
I
held it out and pressed. Nothing
happened. I pressed again.
'Maybe
you have to pull the cap off first,' suggested Phredde helpfully.
I
glanced down at my toes. The mould
was almost there...
I
tore the cap off and pressed as hard as I could.
Squirt!
'It
works!' yelled Phredde.
'Well,
it squirts anyway,' I said cautiously.
'Mum says you can't believe everything these things tell you. I mean maybe it isn't strong enough to
kill mould like this... '
'Hey!'
shrieked Phredde. 'Look!'
I
looked. The mould had changed colour.
It was white now, instead of grey. As we looked it began to shrink, smaller, smaller,
smaller.
'I'll
keep spraying,' I yelled to Phredde.
'You PING! up some more bottles of the stuff!'
'Right!'
yelled Phredde. There were half a
dozen more PING!s and a startled squark in the fog from the bloke down the
deck. 'It's a mould cure! Just
spray it all over yourself,' Phredde yelled to him.
'But
shut your eyes and close your mouth and don't breathe in!' I shouted, because Mum had told me
never to get any cleaning stuff in your eyes and not to breathe it in. I mean that stuff can really hurt you.
'How
can I squirt if my eyes are shut and when can I breathe again?' demanded the
voice.
'Just
shut up and squirt!' yelled Phredde. 'Or you'll infect the whole ship again!'
Silence. From the other end of the ship came the
sound of squirt, squirt, squirt.
'It's
working!' shrieked the voice ecstatically. 'The mould is running off my legs, off my arms... '
Well,
that's just about the end of that story.
The Wonderwhizz zapped the mould and then the fog lifted and the wind
filled our sails and the bloke raced up the deck to thank us.
He
was a bit disappointing actually. I'd always thought he'd be young and tall
with melting brown eyes and those sort of polished looking muscles and he'd be
really, really grateful to us for rescuing him, me especially 'cause it was all
my idea...
But
he was even older than Dad and really wrinkled (I suppose mould doesn't make a
particularly good sunscreen) and he'd lost one of his front teeth too, I
suppose because they didn't have toothbrushes on the mouldy old islan, and I
guess they didn't have deodorant/soap or barbers either.
So
Phredde just PING!ed him back to his own time and home. I guess the story must
have been well and truly over because the PING! worked and when she PING!ed
again that worked too and we were home - or anchored in the little bay just
below our castle anyway. Which was near enough.
'Yo
ho ho and a bottle of ginger ale,' called the Pirate Captain cheerfully.
I
looked at him sourly. 'Fat lot of
use you were,' I muttered, but he just said, 'Yo ho ho and a bottle of ginger
ale!' again and let down the rowing boat for us.
'Phredde
you've got to magic up some more words for him!' I insisted, as he began to row
us over to the beach. 'He can't
just go through life saying "Yo ho ho and a bottle of ginger ale".'
'But
I thought that's what Pirate Captains always say,' said Phredde. 'I asked Mum and that's what SHE said
they said.'
'Yeah,
but they say other stuff too!.'
'Yo
ho ho and bottle of ginger ale,' said the Pirate Captain emphatically, nodding
his head in agreement.
'Oh,'
said Phredde. 'Someone might have
told me sooner,' she added crossly.
PING!
'Hey,'
yelled the Pirate Captain in delight.
He grabbed his throat. 'I
can talk! I can sing! One
enchanted evening,' he carolled happily,
'When you find your true love... '
'Can't
you shut him up?' I yelled to Phredde.
(I hate it when oldies start singing stuff like that.)
'You're
never satisfied... ' began Phredde, when clunk, the boat hit the shore.
So
we jumped onto the sand and said 'Thank you very much for having us' politely
to the Pirate Captain (as Phredde says, just because someone's only magic
there's no reason not to be polite to him) and raced up the path to our castle
to the strains of 'Gree- een sleeeeeeeves was my deliiiiight....'
And
that was the end of that weekend's adventure.
You
know something? The next weekend Phredde and I weren't too keen on going
adventuring in the pirate ship again for some reason (and it wasn't just
because whenever I looked out of my bedroom window I could see the pirates
putting on a 'Sound of Music' concert performance below).
In
fact we felt like doing something really quiet and ordinary.
So
instead of going adventuring we went on a picnic and Phredde borrowed her Mum's
magic carpet and we zapped back just a little way in time, to 300,000 BC
actually, and we were just settling down to eat our peanut butter and lettuce
and chilli chicken sandwiches under a tree when this giant prehistoric
marsupial lion growled at us from up in the branches and then it leapt down on
us and...
But
that's another story.
